I have been dealing with some emotions and thoughts about my life for the past week. At times I would imagine this is what a mid-life crisis would feel like. The problem? I'm only going to be 25 this year. For the first time, I really started struggling with the realization that I will never experience things I always thought I would... a major one being living alone. Now don't get me wrong, I love my children and my husband very much. I would never wish them or our life away. You moms know how it is living your life for someone else, you get accustomed to not thinking about what you want(ed) in your life.
I'm not exactly sure what finally triggered it after almost 5 years of being married, but all of a sudden my mind was flooded and my heart consumed with things I may never get to do. And although I just could never (thanking God for that one), I could understand why some Moms run away, shocking everyone in their life. I felt guilty just for having the emotions/thoughts. Last night I started thinking back through the years, trying to figure out what has led me to this place and I realized it isn't that hard to figure out. First of all, I started dating my husband faithfully 9 years ago, at the age of 15. In the 4.5 years that we have been married: we've had financial struggles, moved state-to-state twice (5 different apartments /houses), three children, long work hours (for both, Jeromy at work & me at home) including 14/14-day offshore schedule, for the past 6 months doctor visits, evaluations and therapy for Camden, and finally arriving at his diagnosis.
I would say all things considered, I've handled things pretty well... and the fact that I have not run away is something to be proud of.