Welcome to my inhibitions. My self-inflicted beliefs that strap me down mentally, emotionally even. Beliefs that I could not possibly speak my mind, talk about real life ups and downs to the extent that comes so naturally to me, without sustaining injury to my business. Clients, brides specifically, don't want to read about my uncertainty at times in my choice of profession. Right? And then there is accountability... if I were to really let you in on my intense desire to just create music and art -- the desire that I've successfully stifled within the deepest parts of myself -- you would surely think me a failure for not doing something about it.
That dream of mine to live and breathe music that I mentioned that I've stifled... a more accurate word could not have come to mind. The dictionary defines it as this:
stifle: to kill by depriving of oxygen : suffocate
That IS how it feels. In these quiet moments alone (although I'm hardly alone, with my family sleeping all around me)... these moments that are so few and far between now... when I let myself remember those dreams of mine again, I close my eyes and feel the warm tears forming underneath. I feel like I'm suffocating. But I do as my mother taught me as a little girl, and take a deep breath. I remind myself what a truly amazing life I do have and I really am grateful. And that gratitude is simply one more inhibition that keeps me from writing all that I wish I could.